Learning the skills for effective communication is like finding a great dance groove

During my presentation of the Four Sisters Groove to a corporate gay group, one of the members asked me an interesting question:

“Do opposites attract?”

We had already completed the Sisters’ Quiz, and this strong Gina was already placing his partner in a strong Tina role. Since I personally knew both of them, I could agree with his assessment of each of their Prink Placements and Sashay Scales. It did appear the two were complete opposite.

To him, this was a clear picture of the “Opposites Attract” rule, even though the couple is of the same sex. In same sex relationships, the area of attraction isn’t the opposite body parts like in heterosexual relationships, though some would say the mechanics of the parts isn’t really the thing that attracts. The point being hetero relationships have a built in “opposite” to start, while gay relationships find different at another level.

A study published in the July 2003 Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that self-perception was more likely to match mate perception, meaning how you think of yourself tends to match how you think of your partner. It concluded that the participants used a “likes-attract” rule, meaning they preferred partners who are similar more than opposite.

Looking deeper into the relationship of my Gina/Tina friends, I could see key aspects of their relationship that were more similar than opposite:

• Both men were physically attractive
• Monetary outlook/incentives were close to even
• Religious heritage matched
• Educational levels corresponded
• Career and aspiration goals synced up

So even though my Gina friend Sashayed way left, and his partner Sashayed way right, creating an opposite in the Sashay Scale, the core parts of their relationship revealed a sameness in this same-sex partnership.

Overcoming Opposites

The fear Gina was trying to express by asking if opposites attract stemmed from focusing on only one aspect of themselves. Yes, either Sashay Scale Left or Right taken to the extreme can be harmful. Remember: There’s nothing right or wrong in the natural occurrence of your Sashay Scale, but there can be painful results when Sashay is taken to extreme, or when Prink is left unchecked.

The goal of The Four Sisters Groove is to help you groove in relationships. Understanding where you are in it, will help you see where you want to be next. Finding opposites within your relationship shouldn’t be that much of a surprise, because it is this spark of difference that gives a freshness to being together.

Just remember that the same thing that attracted you (the Opposite) can be the thing that is the most challenging for you. Learning how to groove with it is what we are here to do.

Last year I went on my first “part-gay” cruise put together by the fine folks at Pied Piper Travel, and even though I’ve done a couple all-gay cruises I wasn’t really sure what to expect with this one. But I never expected to see the “Perfect Storm!”

My gaybours (gay+neighbors=gaybours) are the friends who convinced me to take this trip. They are a classic Gina/Tina combination, who’ve been together for almost 25 years. WOW! They had told me about the couple they met on the same cruise the previous year, so I was looking forward to meeting these guys, since I’d heard so much about them. And I can honestly say “the hype” was accurate! I had such a blast, especially at the dinner table.

What I found most fun was watching a true interaction of all four of the Sisters, or as I call it, the “Perfect Storm.” One Gina/Tina as I already mentioned, and the other Katie/Stacey pair. The times when the four were all together and clipping along presented the most fun! There was a sense of “completeness” or “together” that made the quad happy and content. It really was fun to watch.

The night of the disco party was the only time I saw most of the types taken to the extreme, which resulted in some stress and possibly hurt feelings, though each of the couples had been together for so long, they’ve learned how to quickly recover from these excursions.

Stacey wanted to stay out partying! But Katie was ready for bed… a time schedule to keep, ya know. Tina instigated it… “Let’s go!” She took the lead. Gina had already returned to her cabin to spend some quality alone time, so with the two Sashay Lefts out of the picture, the Sashay Rights broke out! Laughing and meeting people…

Until Katie showed up later to “apply the rules.” “It’s time for bed,” she said. And the party broke up for the evening.

Seeing this happen reminded me that opposites do attract and learning how to balance each other is a good goal for any relationship.