Learning the skills for effective communication is like finding a great dance groove

I was at a get-together talking to a friend, who was complaining about his partner not being there, because he instead had gone to visit mom for the weekend.

“Just remember,” I comforted. “How a man treats his mother is how he treats you in gay relationships.”

He didn’t seem that encouraged by it, and when I first said it, I really didn’t know if it was true. But now, I’ve read research that talks about it called attachment theory. Apparently, these psychologists claim how you learned to “attach” to caregivers in your childhood will apply to how you develop gay relationships in adulthood.

What I found interesting is the grid used to place the types of gay relationships the authors are describing. It seemed rather familiar. The Four Sisters Groove Prink Placement and Sashay Scale combine into a grid in a similar fashion. And I wondered: Does this correspond to the Four Sisters Groove in some way?

When I took the on-line questionnaires for placement on this grid, I generally landed in the bottom right corner…. yes, FEARFUL. And when I compare the opposite corner, which would be Tina on the Four Sisters Groove, I notice the SECURE placement. So, I can see a correspondence there. The corner to the right of Gina or PREOCCUPIED would be Stacey, and the DISMISSING corner would be Katie, from the Four Sisters Groove view of things.

This would mean the Model of Other (avoidance) half of the grid would relate to the Sashay Scale, and the Model of Self (dependence) would relate to Prink Placement. (Remember, Sashay Scale depicts your interactions with other people, while Prink Placement denotes fastidiousness shown in structure or details.) It would be like we took that grid and turned it one quarter clockwise.

I would say: Yep, aspects of this attachment theory do correspond to the Four Sisters Groove! However, the Four Sisters Groove takes it a step further in helping you recognize and then identify the Sister in others and then learn how to improve the Groove with them in gay relationships.

I find all this really fascinating, since I just started studying the attachment theory, and I have developed the Four Sisters Groove over quite a few years. I can see how the interactions you learn as a wee lad or lass at the hands of your early caregivers can influence how you will interact with others in the future. And the Four Sisters Groove is a reflection of human interactions, so I guess I can see a correspondence in gay relationships.

In fact, knowing that my friend who was missing his partner because of the visit to mom is a strong Gina, I would say the FEARFUL attachment part of him was showing. Recognizing it and understanding it is where the Four Sisters Groove can help your gay relationships.

I was at a get-together talking to a friend, who was complaining about his partner not being there, because he instead had gone to visit mom for the weekend.

“Just remember,” I comforted. “How a man treats his mother is how he treats you in gay relationships.”

He didn’t seem that encouraged by it, and when I first said it, I really didn’t know if it was true. But now, I’ve read research that talks about it called attachment theory. Apparently, these psychologists claim how you learned to “attach” to caregivers in your childhood will apply to how you develop gay relationships in adulthood.

What I found interesting is the grid used to place the types of gay relationships the authors are describing. It seemed rather familiar. The Four Sisters Groove Prink Placement and Sashay Scale combine into a grid in a similar fashion. And I wondered: Does this correspond to the Four Sisters Groove in some way?

When I took the on-line questionnaires for placement on this grid, I generally landed in the bottom right corner…. yes, FEARFUL. And when I compare the opposite corner, which would be Tina on the Four Sisters Groove, I notice the SECURE placement. So, I can see a correspondence there. The corner to the right of Gina or PREOCCUPIED would be Stacey, and the DISMISSING corner would be Katie, from the Four Sisters Groove view of things.

This would mean the Model of Other (avoidance) half of the grid would relate to the Sashay Scale, and the Model of Self (dependence) would relate to Prink Placement. (Remember, Sashay Scale depicts your interactions with other people, while Prink Placement denotes fastidiousness shown in structure or details.) It would be like we took that grid and turned it one quarter clockwise.

I would say: Yep, aspects of this attachment theory do correspond to the Four Sisters Groove! However, the Four Sisters Groove takes it a step further in helping you recognize and then identify the Sister in others and then learn how to improve the Groove with them in gay relationships.

I find all this really fascinating, since I just started studying the attachment theory, and I have developed the Four Sisters Groove over quite a few years. I can see how the interactions you learn as a wee lad or lass at the hands of your early caregivers can influence how you will interact with others in the future. And the Four Sisters Groove is a reflection of human interactions, so I guess I can see a correspondence in gay relationships.

In fact, knowing that my friend who was missing his partner because of the visit to mom is a strong Gina, I would say the FEARFUL attachment part of him was showing. Recognizing it and understanding it is where the Four Sisters Groove can help your gay relationships.

My first serious boyfriend was a strong Tina, and he used to get really annoyed with me about many things, I’m sure, but the main annoyance was Gina’s inability to say what she really wanted. Finally, one day he pointed out how it takes asking me three times what I wanted before the fourth answer was the real one.

I’ve often thought of why it takes Gina that many tries, and I think it has to come down to both aspects of Sashay and Prink. (You can read more about Sashay and Prink at Four Sisters Groove after you take the Sisters’ Quiz.)

Gina usually finds herself reacting to so many things at one time. Life tosses you stuff all the time, and because she Prinks Down, she doesn’t have a strong organizational structure like a Tina or a Katie. But also, since she Sashays Left, she’s worried about how handling that imput will impact someone else.

So a simple question like “What would you like to eat?” can become a quagmire of indecision. Of course, to Tina the answer should be simple: “I want pizza and beer.” But answers are always easier to come by for Tina, because she Prinks Up and Sashays Right.

Instead, Gina is thinking: “Am I hungry? Do I need to lose some weight? If I don’t lose weight I’ll never fit into those jeans. Does that question mean he doesn’t like what I want to eat? Do I have to cook it? Is it raining out?”

Yeah, it’s that bad!

So, when Tina would ask the question for the second or third time, Gina was deep in her unstructured, empathatic thought processes anywhere in that through stream. “Sure. I guess so.” She would answer, hoping to not have to commit.

Now, if both of us are living unaware, this simple interaction can cause a huge blow up. Tina could ramp up her Prink and push it into something more than it is, and Gina can Sashay further down into an empathetic freeze.

The Four Sisters Groove is a method for building awareness. By understanding where you are coming from, you can see where you are at and make conscious decision to function not withdraw. Of course, Tina took the lead by pointing out the whole situation, but when done with the correct awareness, Gina will be more receptive and less defensive.

By opening the communication around the subject and becoming aware, both of us were able to work around the Third Time’s A Charm interactions. Tina was able to take the lead and still not stomp on Gina’s feelings about the situation, while Gina was able to adapt her Prink to determine what she wanted and learned it was okay to say what she wants.

This is an example of the type of Groove you want to learn with the Four Sisters Groove.

My first serious boyfriend was a strong Tina, and he used to get really annoyed with me about many things, I’m sure, but the main annoyance was Gina’s inability to say what she really wanted. Finally, one day he pointed out how it takes asking me three times what I wanted before the fourth answer was the real one.

I’ve often thought of why it takes Gina that many tries, and I think it has to come down to both aspects of Sashay and Prink. (You can read more about Sashay and Prink at Four Sisters Groove after you take the Sisters’ Quiz.)

Gina usually finds herself reacting to so many things at one time. Life tosses you stuff all the time, and because she Prinks Down, she doesn’t have a strong organizational structure like a Tina or a Katie. But also, since she Sashays Left, she’s worried about how handling that imput will impact someone else.

So a simple question like “What would you like to eat?” can become a quagmire of indecision. Of course, to Tina the answer should be simple: “I want pizza and beer.” But answers are always easier to come by for Tina, because she Prinks Up and Sashays Right.

Instead, Gina is thinking: “Am I hungry? Do I need to lose some weight? If I don’t lose weight I’ll never fit into those jeans. Does that question mean he doesn’t like what I want to eat? Do I have to cook it? Is it raining out?”

Yeah, it’s that bad!

So, when Tina would ask the question for the second or third time, Gina was deep in her unstructured, empathatic thought processes anywhere in that through stream. “Sure. I guess so.” She would answer, hoping to not have to commit.

Now, if both of us are living unaware, this simple interaction can cause a huge blow up. Tina could ramp up her Prink and push it into something more than it is, and Gina can Sashay further down into an empathetic freeze.

The Four Sisters Groove is a method for building awareness. By understanding where you are coming from, you can see where you are at and make conscious decision to function not withdraw. Of course, Tina took the lead by pointing out the whole situation, but when done with the correct awareness, Gina will be more receptive and less defensive.

By opening the communication around the subject and becoming aware, both of us were able to work around the Third Time’s A Charm interactions. Tina was able to take the lead and still not stomp on Gina’s feelings about the situation, while Gina was able to adapt her Prink to determine what she wanted and learned it was okay to say what she wants.

This is an example of the type of Groove you want to learn with the Four Sisters Groove.

I was really surprised when I saw the banner ad for Oprah’s latest adventure with Eckhart Tolle and A New Earth on a gay social web site, but I guess I’m not the only gay man to be interested in Oprah or for that matter Eckhart’s book on awakening consciousness.

Reading this quote about relationships from his book got my attention:

A genuine relationship is one that is not dominated by the ego with its image-making and self-seeking. In a genuine relationship, there is an outward flow of open, alert attention toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever. That alert attention is Presence. It is the prerequisite for any authentic relationship. (Tolle, A New Earth, p. 84)

The word “genuine” first got my attention. Isn’t that what everyone wants? Doesn’t everyone think they are genuine? Profiles from that same gay social web site have lots of guys that say “be real” or “no BS.” So, it’s not such a far stretch to think a lot of us want something real or genuine. But what does genuine really mean, and how does it really apply to the Four Sisters Groove?

At first, I worried (yeah, I’m a Gina) about if Four Sisters Groove functions in the ego. Is the determination of personal interactions a description of the interactions of egos? After reading his book all the way through, I came to the conclusion that Four Sisters Groove can be all about ego, if that is where you are. If you are currently living by the needs of the ego, then yes, your interactions within the Groove could be perceived as ego. That would be true about every aspect of your life.

I believe Tolle’s book is about having you stop to become aware of the ego. He helps you see it; question it. Awareness is the first step in Awakening. And awareness is the first step in the Four Sisters Groove.

The Four Sisters Groove asks you to stop and be aware of where you are now in your gay relationships. The First Step of the Groove is a self-evaluation in the Sisters’ Quiz. This is your chance to stop and be aware: to see where you are… to see who you are.

Then as you become aware of who you are by identifying with one of the Sisters, you can build on this first step.

Tolle goes on to say:

The ego always either wants something, or if it believes there is nothing to get from the other, it is in a state of utter indifference. It doesn’t care about you. And so, the three predominant states of egoic relationships are: wanting, thwarted wanting (anger, resentment, blaming, complaining), and indifference. (Tolle, A New Earth, p. 84)

If you find yourself described there, it may be time to take a deeper look. To become aware of it is the first step. That’s how the Four Sisters Groove can help.