Learning the skills for effective communication is like finding a great dance groove

They were both elderly and obviously had major health and body issues.  As they approached the two steps leading to the entrance of the building, I watched as he stood with his walker at the base of the steps while she began her ascent. He took her arm  and struggled to help her get up the steps, lifting and pushing her as she scaled one step at a time — assisting with  a cane she held in her other hand.

Reaching the top, she turned as he lifted his walker to her, which she placed to one side - leaning her cane against it.  She took him by the hands and strained to pull him up the steps beneath her.  Then, both having reached the summit, she threaded her thin arm through the bend of his elbow and they shuffled off together.

As I watched (I was too far away to offer assistance before they had accomplished the feat) I began thinking about how long they must have been together. What difficulties they may have encountered in their lives?

I wondered if there was ever a point when they may have considered going their separate ways but then managed to work things out. I thought about what they may have gone through, based on my own relationship experiences, to get to where they are now and it occurred to me that perhaps the reason we must put up with all the struggles of a life-long partnership/marriage is so that one day, if we should be so lucky to live as long as these folks, we would have someone to push us and pull us when we need it when no one else is around.

Is it too simplistic to believe that is reason enough to tolerate what may seem to be intolerable at the time? But, doesn’t it kind of make you wonder where you will be when you get to be that old?

Maybe it’s just enduring all those difficult times that makes for a closer bond in gay relationships with someone in the end. Maybe if you can find someone who will push you when you need it, you won’t mind pulling him or her though tough times in return.

Sounds like a deal to me! May we all be so lucky to find that reward.

The Four Sisters Groove happily welcomes new blog posts from a very dear friend, Stacey.

Many years ago my best friend attended a seminar on gay relationships. It was expensive and a good distance away, but the speaker was considered to be an expert on the subject so it seemed worth the cost and time to him.  My friend, it seemed, had trouble, as many of us do, keeping a love interest going for very long and felt that this gentleman could help him understand what he needed to do to maintain one.

When he returned home he was furious! The relationship gayru had informed the group that basically the best gay men can hope for is a series of short-term, sexually based commitments relative to what the couple deemed as a “committed relationship:” open, dont ask/don’t tell, or short-term monogamous.

My friend passed away a few years ago having never realizing his dream of finding the soul mate with whom he would remain devoted to for a lifetime.  He was tired of the pain of ending relationships.

In my own gay love life I have found this same thing to be true. My longest relationship lasted about five years and a few others from a few months to nearly two years.  Some ended at my choosing others not, but all endings were emotionally draining and heart breaking.  I have sworn that I will not go through that anguish again. I, as had my friend, had resolved that the gentleman with the doom and gloom love message must be right.

Then, as if the flood gates of true love had opened I have met five couples this past year who have celebrated at least 25 years together. In fact, I attended the 30th anniversary of two couples this summer. My friend would be in awe as I was, if he were alive today.  It would’ve given him so much hope that he could sustain a loving relationship, and I have no doubt that he would have eventually with the positive determination he had.  But it does take two with the same dedication. I’m still not so sure I have that goal and from all the evidence it seems those feelings are shared by most of the guys I meet these days. How much pain can one endure before avoiding the possibility of more of it? Is love worth the risk?

Still, I think those of you out there with that dream of meeting your soul mate will find hope of achieving that same fulfillment just  in  knowing there are couples out there who do stick it out, work it out and remain true to their commitment.
It might be tough but it can be done as is evident by this tale.

Good Luck!

Always amazing to me how a dance group can pull something like this off. Don’t forget to dance!

In her book Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself from Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life, Dr. Judith Orloff writes about Four Emotional Types, and of course, any time someone uses Four Types to describe anything, it gets my attention.

Judith calls out The Intellectual, The Empath, The Rock and The Gusher. I think these correspond with Katie, Gina, Tina and Stacey, respectively.

In this short video, Judith talks about Will vs Intuition.