Once again we welcome back guest columnist, Mike. Who shares some thoughts on gay relationships.
I had a moment of clarity last night that helped me tremendously when I went to my 12-Step Support Group. It is an eclectic group of men with most of them – well all of them except for me – being heterosexuals who are in recovery and who are living life with some level of serenity.
Since I started going to that meeting back in July, I have been impressed with grown men sitting around a room talking about their feelings and emotions and expressing their desire to be better husbands and fathers.
I have been struggling for the last week or so over a new relationship and letting my mind get the best of me. I shared about this last night, and I even mentioned that I was dating someone which was the cause of the recent turmoil, but did not go into detail at all. This group has been very supportive of me, and I don’t want to push them away with talk of gay relationships, but I feel comfortable enough to share in general terms and I feel like what I am going through is relevant in any relationship, regardless of the plumbing.
I walked away from that meeting last night with a clear sense that I can be a better husband or a better father or in my case a better boyfriend. I have always approached a relationship from a purely selfish standpoint of “what can I get from it,” or “what is he doing to impress me and to make me feel special.” I’ve had it backwards all along. I need to work to be the boyfriend that I would want to be with. Explore ways that I can make him feel special, things I can do to let him know that I care and I am interested in building something with him.
There are lots of great tips out there from various sources, but here are 9 Steps I plan on taking going forward:
- Random acts of kindness to include phone calls, personal messages on Facebook and the occasional hand written card in the mail.
- When we are together I will make the effort to show him affection, especially to walk up behind him, put my arms around him and kiss him when he least expects it.
- Sharing honestly how I feel about him and fostering communication, asking questions about his life and things he is interested in, discussing my thoughts and fears and how I am making progress in my recovery.
- Continuing to take care of me and do all the things that have made me the strong, independent, passionate, fun, spiritual, open-minded, well-balanced man that attracted him 2 months ago.
- Cutting him some slack and giving him some space. Not asking questions about where he’s been or why he hasn’t called or who he is with. I guess this is more about trust than anything. I trust that he likes me and his actions continue to be proof of that. More importantly, how are my actions? Do my actions show him that I care about him and myself and us?
- Getting outside of my comfort zone and doing things that he enjoys, spontaneity can do great things for a relationship and I will make an effort to invite him to do fun things together and to plan special adventures for us.
- Which brings me to romance… Has this man ever really been romanced? How would he feel if I took him away for a romantic weekend, or asked him to slow dance in the living room or packed a picnic and invited him to go canoeing?
- Be open to feedback. I will rely on him to tell me if anything I am doing is too much. I don’t want to embarrass him with flowers at the office if that is something that makes him uncomfortable.
- Always remember my initial response when he asked, “Do I complicate your life?” I said, “No, you don’t complicate my life, you complement my life.” As long as he and I can complement each other’s lives, well, isn’t that the ultimate goal? A partner who complements what we already have in ourselves?
So, I’m feeling better today. I may have over-analyzed for a few days, but I feel like I have found some balance. My plan is to focus not on what he is or is not doing, but what I can do to be a better boyfriend. And maybe this man will not appreciate what I have to offer. If that happens, it will be okay, because I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, he was put into my life for a reason and this exercise in love and romance is teaching me to be a better man.
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