Learning the skills for effective communication is like finding a great dance groove

We’re standing outside on a warm, Florida night waiting in line with the rest of the circuit queens who’ve made the annual trip to Orlando for Gay Days, the June PRIDE kick-off weekend where we all amass within the Happiest Place on Earth wearing red shirts and holding hands. I cry every time I see the stream of red following the afternoon Dreams Come True Parade.

But that was the day before and now we’re cued to enter Hard Rock Coliseum with yards of glammed-out gays. They say more than 150,000 folks come to town for the events, and we (this group of four) are among the 10,000 or so who will dance the night away inside to the sounds produced by DJ Abel. From here, we can already hear the music, currently a non-stop, muffled thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. The gay heartbeat.

I’m wearing my green camouflaged pants with the extra pockets, since I must have extra pockets when I’m on the dance floor. I can stash my cigarettes and gum and cell phone – those seldom used dancing requirements – without taking up the valuable pocket real estate at my hips where I stash the frequently used items. I don’t include a wallet for these adventures, so I button down my driver’s license and cash in the back right one, being  right-handed. And the water bottle slips into the left side for easy access.

I don’t understand how others can dance so unencumbered. I see these queens in their sparkling hip-huggers with not even room for a $20 bill, and somewhere in my thoughts I curse them merely for being thin and for appearing so unattached to the things of this world like water and food. Yet, in the same whisper as the curse, I thank the gay god I didn’t pack those Nutter Butters.

Gaggles of gays have converged on the dance floor, and this event finds as much ritual built in as any Sunday church service. The tribes gather and migrate: LaLa boys primp and glow with tanned botoxed faces, while the Chelsea boys sneer. The Twinks flit about gingerly, while The Bears lumber to their corner of the dance floor. For all its diversity chants and being different sing-songs, the homo life is filled with homophily. Birds of a feather flock together or as the case is here Bondage boys truss the Leather Queens.

Walking onto the dance floor is like walking into a blast furnace. The depth of the air hits you first. It smacks you with this damp, hot breath of roaring thump and brassy vibrations and multicolored facets of beat, and  I can see the crowded floor from this vantage point, but I can’t see where to go yet. I struggle to categorize the various things wooing me as I enter. It’s all accosting me at once: the lights, the sounds, the smells, the energy. That’s the main and over-riding sensation: this jarring snap alive from being there at that moment. That’s probably the biggest appeal to attending these events and why certain DJs have a clear following. If the DJ plays it right, this feeling ebbs and flows throughout the night. The lighting production plays a big part in setting the mood, as does the location and the crowd.  But the music is the key, the heart beat. The Thump. Thump. Thump.

Through this din we find our way. The four of us crowd surf consistently on nights like these, letting the music and the muscles guide us. Usually we head to stage right up at the front, though we have been known to adjust our place if the muscle bears are close by. Then, a passing woof or two helps direct us to that place: our spot. No matter where we roam or wonder through the course of the night, we will always return to our spot.

It is close to the stage, but not so close as to restrict a full view. We encamp here,  because it feels right. The sound is loud, but the speakers are far enough away to not cause too much pain. A few other groups appear to have staked claim nearby, so the neighborhood looks promising for a good time. It helps to have those around you in a similar frame of mind, because there’s nothing like circuit drama to fuck up a good time, and those dancing around you do matter.

Circuit events across the country and world are filled with gay men who have to have their spot on the dance floor. I always wondered why a spot was so important to gay men at circuit events, and then I remembered there is this place where it all comes together. Some call it the heart. Some call it the soul. It’s this connecting place of essence within us all that links and binds us to a place and people and events. It seems it’s the attachment of energy to flesh and blood marking your presence within this event. Everyone loves. Everyone hurts. Everyone smiles. Everyone cries. Everyone dances. Here is where we will dance.

Welcome to the dance floor. Now, let’s Find Your Spot.

Homophily is the tendency of people to like the same as themselves. We gay people are very familiar with liking the same as ourselves, but there is a tendency in all humans to go with what we know. We know white, middle class suburban neighborhoods, so that is what we go with. We see it all the time in so much of our lives, we probably don’t even notice.

So I guess you could say, the old saying: “Birds of a feather flock together” isn’t that far off the mark. We really do like what we know.

Can we use this knowledge for to build effective communication skills? I think we can, and I think it only takes a few key points to remember for us to use this valuable tool.

1. Natural Tendencies. It’s important to remember that we humans became this way for a reason. The unfamiliar killed us before, so it’s highly likely that staying with what we know was a safety measure. There is a safety in familiarity. So it is in our communication. When we stick with what we know, we generally don’t put our necks out there. This can be good. This can be bad. Being aware of it should help us to decide is it time to stay with those natural tendencies or is it time for us to take a risk?
2. Differences Do Matter. The premise of Four Sisters Groove is based on the idea that gay people need a safe place to learn and practice effective communication skills. Can you learn these skills elsewhere? Yes, of course. (Just Google: Effective Communication Skills, and you’ll see!) But this site and communication method provides a specific, orientation safe arena to practice. Leaning on homophily allows us to provide a place for gay relationships to learn effective communication skills.
3. Stretching Boundaries. As much as we would like to stay in our homophily worlds, we really do need to break out of the bonds of the familiar. Do you spend time with other ethnic groups? Do you only bond with men or only with women? Does everyone around you all believe the same way? Yes, it’s okay to like the same. (We are same-sex lovers, yes?) But more often then not, we will gain a better sense of living life, if we break from the familiar and try something new.

So, there is a time and place for homophily, but it is also valuable for us to take a look at it for what it is: a tool we can use for building gay relationships effective communication skills.

I went out to the local gay resort for the “Sunday Tea Dance,” and as I watched a lot of the folks interact (yeah, I’m kinda silly that way), I decided I need to review the Four Sisters Groove Sashay Scale. In a setting like a tea dance, you really can’t miss Sashay.

The Four Sisters Groove dance floor is divided into quadrants. Sashay Scale divides the dance floor horizontally, so Sisters will Sashay Left or Sashay Right. When you take the time to watch and listen to people, you really can pick up on a Sisters’ Sashay Scale pretty easily. Of course, the Crunks we’ve talked about before and the cues they provide with body language, posture, voice, word choices, and gestures can all tip you off to a Sisters’ Sashay Scale for effective communication skills.

Now remember, the Sashay Scale depends on the response each Sister gives to the current environment. Training and education and personal growth patterns can all have a part in determining this Sashay Scale. Granted, genetics will also play a role in establishing a Sisters’ Sashay Scale, too. So, environmental patterns combine with your heredity to create a unique Sashay. No two Sashay’s will be exactly alike. However, consistent patterns are established for either the Sashay Left or Sashay Right.

Or another way to look at it:  Sashay reflects your interactions with other people. What kind of assertiveness do others have over you? How much can others influence you? How much pressure do you require before acting or deciding? Do you gain strength from being around others or does it drain your energy?

Depending on how you answered questions when you Find Your Spot on the Dance Floor, (you did Find Your Spot, didn’t you?) you either Sashay Left or Sashay Right. Sashay divides the Sisters Dance Floor horizontally. Your score when you Find Your Spot will place you on the left or right side of the scale.

Sashay Right

Let’s deal with Sashay Right first since those are the ones who think they’re most important. Of course, everyone knows it, right? But when it comes down to it, the Sashay is not about what other people think about you. It’s about personal energy. What feelings of energy do you experience in an interaction?

Sisters Sashaying Right tend to not be readily influence by others, and these Sisters tend to be less yielding in decisions and purpose. They are the ones who love to be in the middle of a crowd and gain energy levels when they are. In fact, not being in a crowd can be draining for these Sisters. They like to drive and push for things, and sometimes they can push too hard. This assertiveness can even be to the point of harm to those who stand in the way, thus right Sashaying Sisters must watch to make sure this strength doesn’t become a weakness. Tina and Stacey are the Sisters who Sashay Right.

Sashay Left

Sisters Sashaying left tend to yield more to people; in relationships, these Sisters don’t like to assert themselves. Though, they can have a good time in a crowd, these Sisters tend to gain more energy by having alone time, and these Sisters find it much easier to relinquish then to push back. More easily influenced, the left Sashaying Sisters must learn to express themselves unless this strength becomes a weakness.

Generally, Sashaying Left Sisters will state opinion only when they deem it necessary, and they tend to give it very carefully.  During conversations, they may find themselves  standing away from people, and if they want you to do something, they tend to exert very little pressure for action. Gestures, voice fluctuations, and talking speed are generally reserved also. Katie and Gina are the Sashay Left Sisters.

So, next time you are out in a group setting for gay relationships, see if you can make out Sashay for effective communication. You really can’t miss her.

Here’s another sampling of The Golden Girls to see if you can identify each of The Four Sisters:

Which is which?

tags: effective communication skills and The Golden Girls

Once again we welcome back guest columnist, Mike. Who shares some thoughts on gay relationships.

I had a moment of clarity last night that helped me tremendously when I went to my 12-Step Support Group. It is an eclectic group of men with most of them – well all of them except for me – being heterosexuals who are in recovery and who are living life with some level of serenity.

Since I started going to that meeting back in July, I have been impressed with grown men sitting around a room talking about their feelings and emotions and expressing their desire to be better husbands and fathers.

I have been struggling for the last week or so over a new relationship and letting my mind get the best of me. I shared about this last night, and I even mentioned that I was dating someone which was the cause of the recent turmoil, but did not go into detail at all. This group has been very supportive of me, and I don’t want to push them away with talk of gay relationships, but I feel comfortable enough to share in general terms and I feel like what I am going through is relevant in any relationship, regardless of the plumbing.

I walked away from that meeting last night with a clear sense that I can be a better husband or a better father or in my case a better boyfriend. I have always approached a relationship from a purely selfish standpoint of “what can I get from it,” or “what is he doing to impress me and to make me feel special.” I’ve had it backwards all along. I need to work to be the boyfriend that I would want to be with. Explore ways that I can make him feel special, things I can do to let him know that I care and I am interested in building something with him.

There are lots of great tips out there from various sources, but here are 9 Steps I plan on taking going forward:

1. Random acts of kindness to include phone calls, personal messages on Facebook and the occasional hand written card in the mail.
2. When we are together I will make the effort to show him affection, especially to walk up behind him, put my arms around him and kiss him when he least expects it.
3. Sharing honestly how I feel about him and fostering communication, asking questions about his life and things he is interested in, discussing my thoughts and fears and how I am making progress in my recovery.
4. Continuing to take care of me and do all the things that have made me the strong, independent, passionate, fun, spiritual, open-minded, well-balanced man that attracted him 2 months ago.
5. Cutting him some slack and giving him some space. Not asking questions about where he’s been or why he hasn’t called or who he is with. I guess this is more about trust than anything. I trust that he likes me and his actions continue to be proof of that. More importantly, how are my actions? Do my actions show him that I care about him and myself and us?
6. Getting outside of my comfort zone and doing things that he enjoys, spontaneity can do great things for a relationship and I will make an effort to invite him to do fun things together and to plan special adventures for us.
7. Which brings me to romance… Has this man ever really been romanced? How would he feel if I took him away for a romantic weekend, or asked him to slow dance in the living room or packed a picnic and invited him to go canoeing?
8. Be open to feedback. I will rely on him to tell me if anything I am doing is too much. I don’t want to embarrass him with flowers at the office if that is something that makes him uncomfortable.
9. Always remember my initial response when he asked, “Do I complicate your life?” I said, “No, you don’t complicate my life, you complement my life.” As long as he and I can complement each other’s lives, well, isn’t that the ultimate goal? A partner who complements what we already have in ourselves?

So, I’m feeling better today. I may have over-analyzed for a few days, but I feel like I have found some balance. My plan is to focus not on what he is or is not doing, but what I can do to be a better boyfriend. And maybe this man will not appreciate what I have to offer. If that happens, it will be okay, because I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, he was put into my life for a reason and this exercise in love and romance is teaching me to be a better man.