Learning the skills for effective communication is like finding a great dance groove

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, but since we are learning about gay relationships, does straight really cut it? Well, it depends. It depends on where you are on the Dance Floor and where you want to go.

The Four Sisters Groove helps you bring it all together with tangible steps you can take for Effective Communication Skills. By taking steps in the right direction, you’ll begin to notice changes in your gay relationships. That’s how you get into the Groove.

First, your Sister will be your starting point. That’s why we spend so much time in understanding where you are on the Dance Floor. Did you Find Your Spot yet? You have to know where you are at before you can know where to go.

Then, the other person’s Sister will be your goal. Now, don’t worry about actually getting to that Sister. That’s not the goal of the Groove. The goal is to learn the steps to Groove together.

Let’s follow an example: The Sisters’ Quiz puts Gina in the lower left quadrant. This Gina has Tina as a partner. To Groove to Tina, Gina would have to Sashay Right and Prink Up. This is how it looks:

Can you see the groove? Gina is in the left lower quadrant; Tina is in the right upper quadrant. To go that direction, Gina needs to Sashay Right or Prink Up. Gina may find it easier to Sashay right first and then Prink Up, depending on what she feels most comfortable trying.

Finding Three Groove Steps

So, what three steps can Gina write down as actions to take? Since her quiz shows she’s higher on the Sashay Scale and lower on the Prink Placement, she would probably feel most comfortable Sashaying. She knows Sashaying right means having opinions and voicing them. So, Gina would write: I will voice my opinion clearly and directly without having to be asked.

Gina also knows Sashaying can mean speaking quickly and loudly, maybe being even a bit too loud. She doesn’t necessarily have to be too loud, but she does know she could speak up and talk a little bit faster. Then Step 2 is written as: I will speak up and speed up my conversations with Tina.

Now for the last step, Gina needs to do something physical. She knows Sashay means stepping out, leaning into, gesturing towards, and generally moving her body into another person. So her third step would be: I will lean towards Tina when I’m talking to her.

Gina’s three Groove steps would look like this:

I’ve been going through some major changes in my life as it relates to my job. I guess I’m really trying to find a nice way to say: “I got laid off.”

No matter how you say it, I’m facing a period of change, and it got me wondering about the Four Sisters and how they would handle change. When something unexpected happens to Tina, how does she cope? Does Katie freak out when life changes? How does Gina get through it or what does Stacey do?

I suspect Prink Placement has a lot to do with how the Sisters handle change. This portion of the Find Your Spot on the dance floor assessment reflects your views on things, especially on how you view structure. Sisters who Prink Up have a more specific view of things while Sisters who Prink Down tend to view things a bit looser. So, how do you react to change? Do you seek it? Do you fear it? Do you embrace it? Do you find the Prink Placement accurately reflects most of your reactions to change?

I’m sure I don’t have all the answers when it comes to handling changes in life, but here are some points to ponder that I’ve come to understand:

1. Change happens. As much as we want “good” things to stay the same, they don’t. Everything changes, and so learning to adapt and cope becomes the goal. It doesn’t necessarily mean we have to flounder about because of all these changes, but it does mean we can become a bit more “limber” for it. We can learn to find out our core Sister strengths and depend upon them. This is also powerful to remember when you’re going through the “bad” changes. It’s temporary: this too shall pass.
2. Your reactions are yours, so own them. You don’t have to be like anyone else or copy anyone else when it comes to handling change. Learning about yourself is helpful to understand there are normal human processes we all go through when experiencing changes, and some of the Sisters will more naturally tend towards different stages while apparently not noticing others. This is okay, too. Feel it and own it. It’s yours.
3. Gratitude Rocks. Although it may be really difficult during some upheavals of change, I’ve found making lists of things I’m thankful for helps me to focus on the positive aspects of change. Now I’m not trying to be a pollyanna about this, but your attitude can be adjusted, and one of the best ways I have found is to be grateful. Take a moment to find some gratitude to help your attitude.

I’m sure you can think of other things to add to this list, so please comment and let me know. (I’m especially interested in hearing from Tina or Katie how they adapt to change.) These are only three of the things I’ve been dealing with recently because of my unemployment. Your changes will vary, but you already knew that.

Mike has returned to give us some more ideas on work-life balance.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the importance of work-life balance in my life. My life used to be ruled by chaos and stress. I lived in fear and eventually, I dropped one of the balls in the air and the whole thing came crashing down. Today I have a new found sense of peace in my life, and I can only attribute it to finding a good balance. Taking care of myself emotionally, physically and spiritually is how I achieve balance. Here are some tips on how you can too:

1. Challenge Yourself at Work.
   Set goals for yourself about what you want to accomplish at work. I was recently faced with the reality that my work day was just not cutting it. I simply was not getting all the work done and it was making my time at the office more stressful than it needed to be. I decided if I could get to work just 30 minutes earlier every morning and stay 30 minutes later every afternoon, that would give me an extra 5 hours a week. This means getting up earlier, but I decided it would be worth it. What I found was that extra 30 minutes in the morning is invaluable. I get to work before many of my co-workers and those 30 minutes are the most productive of the day because it is quiet and there are no interruptions. It gives me a great jump start to the day. The extra few minutes in the afternoon allow me to stay focused on work until 5pm without being distracted by the clock. Then I can begin wrapping things up knowing that I put in a full day and gave 100%.
2. Organize Yourself at Home
   Staying organized is essential. I’m big on lists, writing things down and even sharing them with someone else. There is a sense of accountability when you put it on paper and certainly when you tell someone else about your plans. I use my Outlook Calendar and sync my mobile device frequently. I maintain a budget, do weekly shopping and plan meals ahead of time. I know when I am taking my lunch and when I am eating out. Sunday evenings are my personal time that I use to iron a few shirts, prepare food for lunches that will be easy to grab on-the-go and get all my ducks in a row for the week ahead. I make phone calls to confirm with friends our time together for the coming week. It helps me tremendously to wake up on Monday morning knowing that my house is in order and all I have to do is get up and go. I have been practicing this for a solid year and it has done wonders for my sense of peace and my attitude.
3. Define Your Idea of Rest
   Take the time to identify the things that you really enjoy and incorporate them into your life. Just start doing the things you keep saying you want to do, somehow we make time for the things that are important to us. For me it’s yoga, exercise and spending time with friends. I made a commitment to myself to exercise at least 4-times a week and get together with friend 2-3 times each week. Define what meets your needs, make a commitment to yourself and stick to it no matter what.

Making work and life balance can be difficult and if we over-analyze it, we will make it unobtainable. My challenge to you is to just do it. Work hard while you’re at work, and start doing the things you enjoy today. Plan your day at the office and plan the other 16 hours of your day, work-life balance is possible, I am living proof that ANYONE can do it.

Moving from “win/lose” to “win/win” communication takes some practice. It doesn’t come naturally for most people, because when you think about it, everyone is right. Even when we know we are wrong, we still want to be right. It’s only human nature.

Most of us come at communication like we’re a lawyer. We go down this list we’ve made in our minds and then wait for the other person to go down their list and the one who doesn’t add up in some way loses the argument. But does anyone ever really win in this situation? If everyone always thinks they’re right, who is really going to be wrong?

There is a better way for effective communication. Move from the out-dated mode of communication to the next phase. Here are some tips to help you move from “win/lose” to “win/win:”

1. Be present. So much of what we think is listening is really just waiting to talk. We are formulating our column of “rights” to everything the other person is saying. Instead, focus on your breathing and just being there. Sure, you’ll have thoughts, but just allow the other person an authentic acceptance by you just being there.
2. Be thankful. This other human being is taking the time to tell you something they feel is important, and you need to be thankful for them doing this. Yeah, I know it is totally opposite of what we would REALLY like to be doing at that time, but combined with Step 1, thanking them honestly for telling you something they think is important is a major step in moving from “win/lose” to “win/win.”
3. Be creative. Think outside the noraml “I’m right and you’re wrong” confining, human box. By coming together and being present and being thankful, we can start moving together into a “win/win” communication situation by focusing on the commonality you share.

The Four Sisters Groove gladly welcomes the addition of new posts from a dear friend, Mike, who plans on sharing personal development posts with us. Today he focuses on balancing the demands of life during the holiday season.

Many of us are familiar with the term “work-life balance.” It is something we all strive for even when our managers pretend they have never heard of the concept. It is one of my ultimate goals. I enjoy hard work, and I thrive in a challenging work environment, but I also recognize the importance of taking care of myself emotionally, spiritually and physically and all of that cannot be accomplished at the office.

After a four-day holiday weekend I am able to identify and acknowledge that what I have been doing for the last few days was not work-life balance (because there was no work). It was LIFE balance. Food, family, friends, romance, entertainment, exercise and chores all rolled into one. Are you tired just thinking about it? I used to get overwhelmed at the thought of trying to fit all of these things in, but somehow, this long weekend was absolutely perfect.

For me, Thanksgiving Day was a day of food and family. I slept in (8 a.m. is sleeping in. I’m old); turned on the parade and spent some time in the kitchen getting my contribution to the big meal prepared. Mom and Dad showed up around 10 a.m., and we were able to spend some wonderful time together before piling in the car to join my sister and her family at their house out in the country. It was nice; it was easy and it felt comfortable to be with my family. My niece and nephews are teenagers now – practically all grown up and I enjoyed talking with them and getting a little glimpse into their lives. The day was great, and that evening we all ended up in a pile in the living room watching movies late into the night.

Taking Care of Me

Friday was about taking care of me, feeling good and friends. I slept in again, maybe 7:30 a.m. and spent the early morning catching up with friends online. I am fully engaged in Facebook, it’s a good way to stay connected with my extended network of friends and family. I really believe social networking is a valuable tool in my life, but I’ll write more about that another time.

I just joined the gym last week, so this was really my first day to workout with no time limit, no rushing, and I did exactly that. I was at the gym for over two hours and had an incredible workout. Afterwards, I walked around Hyde Park and enjoyed some of the shops and the holiday atmosphere. Back at home I was thrilled to realize it was a weekday and I was home just in time for Oprah. I snuggled up on the couch for some time with the queen of self-help and promptly dozed off. I can’t even tell you the last time I napped for an hour and a half. It was the perfect time of day too, when I woke up at 5:45 p.m. it was just starting to get dark outside and time for the evening to begin.

I got a call from some old friends. We had made tentative plans to meet up for the Tree-Lighting Ceremony in Hyde Park. It’s an old tradition; one that used to involve my annual house warming party, so I had conflicting feelings about that – I am a little sad that I am not in my house, especially for the holidays, but that’s another topic all together. The house is rented and the mortgage is getting paid each month, which is what is most important. It was cold outside, so I got all dolled up in lots of layers and my new Lisa Loeb glasses and met my friends down at the Wine Exchange for drinks. It was great to see them and catch up, it was really the first time we have spent time together since I moved back home and it felt good. And then Santa came and all the little kids, and many of their parents, completely lost their minds. They went charging towards the giant tree in the middle of the village, all that beautiful landscaping – trampled! After the rush, another group of people (friends of friends) joined us and they decided to head back into one of the restaurants for more drinks. No interested in the bar, I said my goodbyes and continued on my way to Starbucks to see who I could find there. I talked with my best friend on the way and reminisced about the parties we used to have on the Friday after Thanksgiving every year. I spent a few hours at Starbucks with some hot apple cider and talking with friends and almost went to a club to see one of the world’s greatest DJs, but in the end, I opted for late night grocery shopping and was home and in bed by midnight, a wise financial choice. Those are new for me and it felt good to make a wise choice.

Taking Care of My Spirit

The rest of the weekend was all about my spiritual self, some chores and a little romance. Saturday morning was spent in meditation and self-reflection followed by some reaching out. I shared with others, exchanging ideas about where we are and what we are doing to stay focused on the present. I hit the gym hard again in the afternoon and got the endorphins going. I cleaned the house from top to bottom and even grilled a bunch of chicken so I would have some healthy food prepared and in the fridge for the busy week ahead.

The highlight of the day came around 6 p.m. when my date arrived. This was date number four, and it was our first 24-hour date. We had dinner and went to a movie, talked, snuggled up together and talked some more. We went for a long walk the next morning, had breakfast and went to IKEA. Now, I know what you’re thinking, once you go to IKEA with someone, you’re practically married, but I am determined not to jump into a relationship just because it feels good. He suggested I pack an overnight bag and stay at his house on Sunday night, but I told him that I had planned to go to the gym that evening and get in my own bed at a decent hour so I could get my week off to a good start – to stick with the routine that seems to work well for me. Later, during our date he opened up to me a little bit about how impressed he was by the fact that I said no to his invitation.

Romance is wonderful, intimacy is something that is extremely necessary in my life and this guy is all of the things I look for in a man. However, I want to be careful not to move to fast and not to start assigning labels to our relationship, because for me, labels create certain expectations on my part and many of my expectations, as I am learning, are unrealistic. I just don’t want to do that.

Learning to live in Now

I am trying to learn how to live in the now. It’s not easy, but it is something that has been working well for me and I don’t want for Prince Charming to come along and sweep all of that away. It is a double edge sword; based on my past, the thing that makes me attractive is my independence and self-confidence and yet, when I get into a relationship, I give myself completely to it. All of that other stuff goes right out the window. I am a very giving partner; I am loyal, and I like to please. Somehow in doing all of that, I ultimately neglect myself and all the things that made me attractive in the first place. So, I am going to try this a little different. He and I had a great conversation about the whole thing. We acknowledged that there is chemistry between us and how much we enjoy each others’ company and agreed to see each other again. It just so happens that I need a plus one for a holiday party next Friday night, perfect!

After the 24-Hour date was over, I did exactly what I said I was going to do and went to the gym. Unfortunately, the gym closes early on Sunday nights (note to self). So I went for a run on Bayshore instead.

Climbing in bed tonight, I feel like the weekend was a huge success for me. There was BALANCE. I did all of the things I wanted to do, I did all of the things I made a commitment to do and I even had time for a little romance. So, my feelings of safety and security and love and belonging were all met and I did it. Let me repeat because it is significant. I DID IT. I did not rely on someone else for my happiness. I did not over indulge with the Thanksgiving meal; I did not go wild with Black Friday Christmas shopping. I did not get married. I invited balance into my life this weekend, and I truly took care of ME.