Learning the skills for effective communication is like finding a great dance groove

Homophily is the tendency of people to like the same as themselves. We gay people are very familiar with liking the same as ourselves, but there is a tendency in all humans to go with what we know. We know white, middle class suburban neighborhoods, so that is what we go with. We see it all the time in so much of our lives, we probably don’t even notice.

So I guess you could say, the old saying: “Birds of a feather flock together” isn’t that far off the mark. We really do like what we know.

Can we use this knowledge for to build effective communication skills? I think we can, and I think it only takes a few key points to remember for us to use this valuable tool.

1. Natural Tendencies. It’s important to remember that we humans became this way for a reason. The unfamiliar killed us before, so it’s highly likely that staying with what we know was a safety measure. There is a safety in familiarity. So it is in our communication. When we stick with what we know, we generally don’t put our necks out there. This can be good. This can be bad. Being aware of it should help us to decide is it time to stay with those natural tendencies or is it time for us to take a risk?
2. Differences Do Matter. The premise of Four Sisters Groove is based on the idea that gay people need a safe place to learn and practice effective communication skills. Can you learn these skills elsewhere? Yes, of course. (Just Google: Effective Communication Skills, and you’ll see!) But this site and communication method provides a specific, orientation safe arena to practice. Leaning on homophily allows us to provide a place for gay relationships to learn effective communication skills.
3. Stretching Boundaries. As much as we would like to stay in our homophily worlds, we really do need to break out of the bonds of the familiar. Do you spend time with other ethnic groups? Do you only bond with men or only with women? Does everyone around you all believe the same way? Yes, it’s okay to like the same. (We are same-sex lovers, yes?) But more often then not, we will gain a better sense of living life, if we break from the familiar and try something new.

So, there is a time and place for homophily, but it is also valuable for us to take a look at it for what it is: a tool we can use for building gay relationships effective communication skills.

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